Where does one begin in reviewing the fifth Transformers movie? I mean WTF? Michael Bay wanted to come back for one more outing of absolute pubescent Bayhem. I learned his ethos for this movie – More is More – because fuck the subtle art of plot when you can just throw absolutely everything on the screen at once. I think he intended on five final movies and was told he cold only have one so bugger that – “we can put all five stories in one.” TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT is out tomorrow, June 22 in Australia from Paramount Pictures Australia. It is rated M and runs for a whopping 149 assaulting minutes. 


Transformers: The Last Knight Mark Wahlberg image



This movie is visually a masterpiece, I need to start with this. There is no questioning the absolute marvel that is the onscreen visuals of Michael Bay. His camera angles, saturated colour and incorporation of CGI is one of the best in the game. I took my good friend Tommy to this screening because he worships Michael Bay, literally thinks he is a god and his words after the screening were “I had a cinematic hard on for three hours.” And “this man is a god!” So for some people this movie is genius and if I was only judging by what I saw on the screen then I would be rating TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT very high. I wish I could be Tommy in my love for this!

But I also listen to the words and generally need to follow a coherent plot line to enjoy my movies and Michael Bay doesn’t care about that. Instead he makes sexist robot films for thirteen year old boys and has instead created the most bombastic cacophony of sensual assault on the human body. While I enjoyed a few elements of the movie I felt violated at the endless assault on my senses. Nothing relents – there is no time to catch a breath before he dives into the next ridiculous item on the agenda of cinematic pain.


Transformers: The Last Knight Bumble Bee image



Hahahah – I have no idea how to write the plot. Here goes……

Optimus Prime is floating through space in search of his creator, the bots are now illegal on planet earth and a new task force is out to destroy them all. Mark Walhberg’s character is a rebel who saves Autobots and hides them from the task force. Some young kid lives in a military war zone with some bots in hiding, they are all killed, she stalks Mark Wahlberg. The old army guys are in there somewhere but I think this is mainly so we can see Josh Duhamel in a wetsuit – my god he is gorgeous. Sorry, trying to stay focused!

Eye candy for the movie, Laura Haddock, who looks exactly like Megan Fox is an art professor and has more degrees and Masters than you can count but the men describe her as “she plays some polo.” Well she is involved at the University and lectures on King Arthur and that she believes Merlin is an alcoholic hoax and most of the history is shit. She is actually an heir to King Arthur and the round table. In history the bots have been around since the Knights of the Round Table and a secret society has kept the bots secret through history.

The Knights of the Round Table was actually twelve human knights and twelve robot knights who can join together to make a giant three headed flying dragon – this is how Arthur won his greatest battles. Oh yeah, and Merlin was a fraud and a drunk but his magic came from a staff given to him by the first Autobot.


Hitler was killed by a bot that was a watch and Bumble Bee was actually a WW2 hero Nazi Killer with a hunger for blood. On top of that a giant planet, the bot’s home world, is hurling towards Earth. Optimus Prime has gone dark, there is a submarine chase, a spaceship on the bottom of the ocean and Sir Anthony Hopkins and his ancient robotic butler Cogman, hysterically played by Downton Abbey butler Jim carter, are warriors for the cause. Oh and another important plot point is that Mark Wahlberg is selected as the last Knight Warrior who can wield a giant sword and take on the protectors of the staff.

And I haven’t even covered it all but that will do.


Transformers: The Last Knight Cogman image



I loved the visuals as mentioned earlier and hate the (lack of) plot but I love Bumble Bee – I am actually thinking of a Bumble Bee tattoo because he rocks my world. A far greater warrior than Optimus in my eyes. I loathe how for some reason Optimus Prime has to announce who he is in nearly every scene you see him in – ok I get it, you are Optimus Fracking Prime – get over it!

The new kid, Isabella Moner, has absolutely no purpose in the film and I am offended to what they made Sir Anthony Hopkins say in the movie “that’s a bitchin’ car” – seriously I cried a little. The dialogue is atrocious but they do manage some funny lines and decent comedy peppered over the movie. Some of the smaller robot jokes and lines are dreadful and suited to single digit kids but some of the comedy works well, mostly from Cogman.

Another of the letdowns for TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT is that with so much lack of plot and so much visual assault you really don’t give a shit about anyone. If it wasn’t for Bumble Bee I would have been barracking for the useless Decepticons. You literally are just there to witness not to be connected in ANY WAY!


Transformers: The Last Knight Laura Haddock and Mark Wahlberg image



If you are going to see this regardless of what the reviews say then find the biggest and loudest cinema you can find and see it in 3D – it works well, especially in the last hour. But I would suggest you go and watch WONDER WOMAN again because TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT will violate every sense in your body with it’s bombastic cacophony of never-ending assault. It gets half a point for Cogman, half a point for Bumble Bee, and one full point for the visuals.





 owns, writes and edits Salty Popcorn and Spooning Australia. He is a movie, food, restaurant, wine, chocolate, bacon, burger and brussels sprouts addict. He is a member of the Australian Film Critics Association and has been in the  industry for 26yrs. Furthermore he loves watching people trip over and is Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest fan. 

** Images used are courtesy of various sources on Google or direct from the distributor or publisher. Credit has been given to photographers where known – images will be removed on request.