THE TAKING | DVD REVIEW OF THE WORST FILM ON SALTY POPCORN

I knew it would happen one day, I even had to create a new pop score for it – the ZERO POP score – a film so appalling it gets NO pops, an award of zilch, a piece of toilet paper that is hated by all 🙂 Kernel Mitch loves his horror films and I will gladly follow his lead on horror films, but he hates this film so much I need to see it hahaha. His words on the email he sent me the review on “I wanted to see how much of a review I could extract out of this piece of hellspawn shit. I recommend this “movie” to no one.” We knew there would be bad films when reviewing B-Grade horror films but we never expected them to be this bad :). I have to go on – here are some reviews from IMDB – I am crying with laughter:

This movie is not even worth downloading or watching stream, just burn all the original copies of it and throw the ashes in a pit in the middle of a desert.

Stop making movies like this, thank you, just by watching the trailer i knew this movie would be a joke filmed with a potato and carrots actors.

Wasted 9 minutes of my life on this majestic blaspheme to the art of cinematography.

It is out now on DVD from GRYPHON ENTERTAINMENT is rated M and runs for 80mins. Enjoy Mitch’s lovefest below 🙂 All the best………….JK.

 

THE TAKING MOVIE POSTER IMAGE
THE TAKING | THE SALTY POPCORN DVD REVIEW | MOVIE POSTER

 

The muffled peaking of a distorted synth vibrates fortune cookie-esque dialogue via subtitles accompanied by shots of the sun peering through a desolate forest canopy. You think that this is just the disorienting opening sequence but no, it’s the whole mother fucking movie!!!

I am unable to review the first 20 minutes of the film because there is no film. No story. No characters. It’s just intentionally erratic editing, snapshots or blurred movement, attempts at setting up artistic imagery but ultimately failing and confusion, which is blatantly obvious that that’s what the directors were going for but somewhere along the lines they forgot that at some point, they needed to make it watchable. Shit, somewhere along the lines they even forgot they needed to make a movie since a lot of it just seems like a shitty slide show taken at a gothic bush rave.

 

THE TAKING IMAGE
THE TAKING | THE SALTY POPCORN DVD REVIEW | POOR CARL

 

Oh 24:10 into the film and we learn that “guy tied to tree” is named Carl. Thanks to the faceless laughing girl for that one, I was beginning to get lost. I didn’t feel the need to tell you there was a guy tied to a tree because neither did the film makers.

27 minutes in and faceless laughing girl now has a face. It’s not a particularly nice face and she sure could benefit from a tube of Oral B ProHealth and a good gargle of Listerine 6-in-1 but it’s a face nonetheless… and what more, she finally offers up the next chunk of dialogue which reveals that “he” fucks her better than poor old Carl does, whoever the hell “he” is. Poor Carl can’t catch a break. Way to kick a man while he’s down, Gingafrightis.

2 minutes later a nicely dressed man arrives… out of nowhere… to give poor Carl a glass of water. That is, a nicely dressed man.. in the middle of the filthy woods.. inexplicably arrives to give a strange and injured man tied to a tree a clean glass of fresh water.. and then apologises. I don’t know what he apologises for but he does so while talking without moving his mouth. Imagine if I’d left THAT out, you’d be lost.

 

THE TAKING IMAGE
THE TAKING | THE SALTY POPCORN DVD REVIEW | CREEPY GIRL

 

Half an hour into this God awful piece of shit on a skewer and I’m beginning to sense some sort of God V Satan theme only told in a way that only people on meth would understand. Maybe that’s what’s wrong, maybe I need meth to watch this.

Hang on. Brb.

Nope, petrol station doesn’t sell meth. Frightened the guy behind the counter though. This is going to be tough.

 

THE TAKING IMAGEL
THE TAKING | THE SALTY POPCORN DVD REVIEW | POOR CARL

 

Upon doing a little research, it appears the team behind this are a creative duo who have been working together since high school, which makes sense since this film wreaks of misguided student film pretentiousness. Cezil Reed and Lydelle Jackson, both from a background in art, lyrics and hip-hop fandom, created their unique collaboration The BAPartists and went on to release this very film to mark their debut.

The Taking, however, continues on offering no acting skills. No cinematography skills. No story telling skills. No direction. No character development. No well written dialogue. No real appeal at all, really. If you are into sound effects then possibly watch this while stupidly high on something through a good sound system but otherwise I’m glad this only wasted 71 minutes of my life.

On the bright side, I have now seen a movie that saw the bar, realised how high the bar was raised and worked tirelessly to lower it, kill it, bury it and leave the bar to rot.

Congratulations THE TAKING, I give you two awards. One is a pop count of zero. The other, my coveted trophy for “Worst Film I Have Ever Seen”. Don’t be modest now, you deserved it.

 

0 Pops