SCARY MOVIE 5: A Review for a Film So Bad You Get Two Opinions

SCARY MOVIE 5: A Review by Kernels Ben McHolme and Adam Shearsby

Benny Boy’s Thoughts:
I sat down to write this review and told myself to begin on a positive note but after deleting my first sentence multiple times I am left with no choice but to get right into the negatives of this installment in what used to be a amusing and clever series. This is not a movie that should have been released ever! It is a straight to DVD or even straight to Friday night movie on one of our new digital channels. The story-line is simple straight rip offs of horror with added slapstick and senseless gags. People who know me would know that I am like a five year old and can find the funny side to even the most stupid things but I could not do it in this disaster. (JK Ed’s Note: He is more like a 4yr old brat).

 

Scary Movie 5
Scary Movie 5

 

The beginning starts off promising with a silly scene by Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, we as an audience laughed together and hopes were heightened but, after this scene, which didn’t have anything to do with the story, things went from bad to worse. I went into this with low expectations due to the last two installments which were bad but still enjoyable. I even went drinking with fellow Kernel Adam in the hopes this would make any dud jokes bearable, alas this did not work. For Scary Movie 6 we may try heroin .

Unlike fellow Kernel Adam, I am not a horror movie fan. He, I’m sure, will have a good time ripping this attempt of a parody to shreds, especially when it’s a genre so close to his heart. In the first two Scary Movie releases there was an intelligent and well thought out parody of the horror genre, this has been few and far between as late but was non-existent in this release. I loved the first two installments and have watched them multiple times. This one, however, is lacking in what made them great, intelligent satire and an inventive caricature.

Unlike fellow Kernel Adam, I am not a horror movie fan. He, I’m sure, will have a good time ripping this attempt of a parody to shreds, especially when it’s a genre so close to his heart. In the first two Scary Movie releases there was an intelligent and well thought out parody of the horror genre, this has been few and far between as late but was non-existent in this release. I loved the first two installments and have watched them multiple times. This one, however, is lacking in what made them great, intelligent satire and an inventive caricature.

Unlike fellow Kernel Adam, I am not a horror movie fan. He, I’m sure, will have a good time ripping this attempt of a parody to shreds, especially when it’s a genre so close to his heart. In the first two Scary Movie releases there was an intelligent and well thought out parody of the horror genre, this has been few and far between as late but was non-existent in this release. I loved the first two installments and have watched them multiple times. This one, however, is lacking in what made them great, intelligent satire and an inventive caricature.

scary-movie-ashley-tisdale-erica-ash-lindsay-lohan1

There is one funny scene which is in reference to the lesbianism in the film Black Swan, however this is not worth watching the whole movie for, which ironically enough, is barely 80 minutes long, but even this seemed like time I could be buying some sand to rub into my eyes, if they graded the sand I would be purchasing coarse. This funny scene could be featured in a YouTube video titled “Visual Metaphors for Lesbian Love Making” or the first scene of the movie could be a skit from Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen for the preshow of the Oscars. The YouTube video would, in my opinion, make more money than this anyway with a title like mine. Go watch Scary Movie 1 and Scary Movie 2 and have a good laugh. This one is only worth a 2/10 and is out tomorrow, 11th April.

scary-movie-ashley-tisdale-erica-ash-lindsay-lohan2

Adam’s Thoughts:

When I was 11 or 12, Scary Movie 1 was all the rage. It was that movie with the nudity and swearing and violence and sex, only the cool parents would let their kids watch it. How far things have come, from a reasonably intelligent, funny horror movie parody to this abomination. Constant, repetitive, unfunny sight gags fill up the thankfully only 85 minute long “film”.. The funniest scene is arguably the opener with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, but what followed from that was around 80 minutes of silence, with the occasional half laugh from one person every now and again. During the first half of this 80 minutes I was tossing up whether I could simultaneously blind and deafen myself with my half drunken coke, but after deciding I wouldn’t have enough liquid, I had to push through it.

From what I gathered during the rest of the movie, Simon Rex has some form of severe cognitive disability, seeing as Scary Movie 5 revolves around him walking into things and harming himself in various ways. How original. There’s even a longer than necessary scene where Rex injures himself, is taken to hospital, comes home, injures himself again, and goes back to hospital. I don’t remember it too well, I’ve already begun repressing it from my memory. I’m not going to mention any of the other cast as there’s nothing noteworthy or redeeming.

Scary Movie, Ashley Tisdale, Erica Ash, Lindsay Lohan

They seemed to have taken all of the slapstick from Scary Movie 3 and 4, slapped it in with a new mishmash story and called it a day. Also under the guise of a parody film, they manage to blatantly steal jokes from The Hangover, in particular the one where Alan accidentally injures the baby.

Scary Movie 5 primarily parodies Mama and Paranormal Activity, but it also draws from Evil Dead, Inception, Black Swan, The Cabin in the Woods, Insidious and Sinister. Being a massive horror fan, most of the parodied horror movies I thoroughly enjoyed (in particular Insidious, Sinister and The Cabin in the Woods). Essentially what writers Pat Proft and David Zucker have done is desecrate my favorite genre through this atrocity. Thanks for that guys, appreciate it.

Scary Movie, Ashley Tisdale, Erica Ash, Lindsay Lohan

I wouldn’t be surprised if this took out a number of Razzies, and I checked, its already a contender. Instead of continuing to talk about how bad it is, in summary I’m going to give you a few metaphors. I would rather lick a public toilet seat, I would rather pull out all of my teeth, I would rather drag my face through a kilometre of broken glass and finally I would rather dive into a swimming pool of used hypodermic needles, snakes and excrement than voluntarily sit through that again.

I was considering giving this a 2/10 out of pity, but after the violation I was subjected to I just cant. I’m giving this a 1/10, for the amount of bullets I wanted rocketing through my brain as I watched this film.