JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – Sadly Abysmal

Please excuse me while I start spitting venomised bile at this travesty like a Dilophosaurus pissed off at a fumbling Newman (dinosaur joke). was a masterpiece and one of the highlights of my 23yr cinema career, my appendix burst on opening night so it is firmly etched into my mind. THE LOST WORLD: was a decent action movie that, for me, couldn’t match the greatness of the original, and III was a cash cow rollercoaster blockbuster ride. Mostly forgotten. was fantastic – it brought us more of one much loved actor in STARLORD aka and allowed us to return to the dinosaurs we loved so much. This one is a pile of sick triceratops poop! It is out Thursday June 21st in Australia from Universal Pictures, it is rated M, and runs for 128mins.

 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Jeff Goldblum image

 

BY JASON KING

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM SYNOPSIS:

John Hammond (Richard Attenborough) summons chaos theorist Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) to his home with some startling information – while nearly everything at his Jurassic Park had been destroyed, his engineers happened to have a second site, where other dinosaurs were kept in hiding. It seems the dinosaurs on the second island are alive and well and even breeding; and Hammond wants Malcolm to observe and document the reptiles before Hammond’s financiers can get to them.

Oh wait – that’s the synopsis for THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK – the sequel to the original. But it appears the writers for JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN WORLD have ran out of original ideas. If you need a sequel in a reboot – just rehash the sequel from the original with some tweaks. The plot went something like this….

We need a Richard Hammond guy, let’s make that guy from BABE be his missing business partner with the same ideals and put him in a wheelchair because old. Oh yeah, Goldblum will get get people to buy heaps of tickets, put everything he does in the trailer, 2min screen time in the movie will be fine. Everything at Jurassic World is about to be destroyed, lucky we have a second Island, call in the people from the first movie (of the second series) to go and save them all and deliver them to the new island alive and breeding before the evil financiers sell them to war machine bad guys.

 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Bryce Dallas Howard and Justice Smith image
and

 

THIS FRANCHISE NEEDS TO BE MADE EXTINCT:

Sadly this franchise needs to go the way of the dinosaurs, into fossils and oblivion. I came out of the movie entertained at some stunning visuals and seeing Pratt again but I felt the movie had insulted the memory of the 1993 OG,JP. It is no longer a franchise about the love of dinosaurs, it is now an A-Grade Production with a C-Grade plot that wants to be a B-Grade monster movie. When they announced the super-hybrid evil monster dinosaur it sounded like a new evil character from a Spiderman movie, bred in the sewers and capable of world domination when it gets out of the cage you already know it is going to get out of.

The single greatest waste of this movie was the volcano. It was amazing, a huge spectacle in the movie and the trailer. It played in the trailer like a major plot point but it’s all over in about 20min from the movie start. Why was this movie not an homage to THE LAND BEFORE TIME. Could they not get to the island, have their transport destroyed by a side of a mountain exploding and then have to get to the safer side of the mountain for extraction.

A spattering of humans and dinosaurs surviving together in a last ditch effort to hold off extinction?!! Sadness, heart, hope and loss!!! Nope – the film is human egocentric and concentrates on the evil and corruption of man and the need for greed. All the while making dinosaurs a commodity. Even the stupid, “must insert into Jurassic movies” T-Rex roar was more of a cry of disappointment and seen as product placement instead of the might of the greatest apex predator in history.

WTF IS WITH THE END LOCATION?

And my burning Brachiosaurus the ending is worse than a Bond movie set in a wealthy styled lair / English-like estate. Leaving the island broke my heart and one of the saddest scenes in the movie is the end of the Brachiosaurus but how do these people, under the scrutiny of the world, export dinosaurs off the Island to a mainland U.S. country lair that looks like a set piece from PADDINGTON meets HEREDITARY? Was this Director, harping back for an ending feel from his previous film, A MONSTER CALLS? Also a great title for this movie!!! OK – the final film in this trilogy could end up interesting but I am done!

 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Bryce Dallas Howard and Justice Smith image
Bryce Dallas Howard, Justice Smith and One Big Ass Dinosaur

 

THE CASTING:

It’s Pratt, I can watch him anything. But he just hits his marks in this one, he is two dimensional but still with more personality than the rest of the cast. Watching him escape lava was funny but cheesy. I do love his relationship with Blue and one of the better parts of the movie was exploring their relationship. It gives the movie some heart. Bryce Dallas Howard likewise is always enjoyable but her character had next to no development from the first in this series. Goldblum was a shameful plug for tickets that was a wasted opportunity.

and Toby Jones are failed one dimensional Bond Villains who I have already forgotten and Ted Levine’s character was a waste of film – he literally had no purpose and his character arc was ridiculous – where was his grand bad guy fight with Pratt? He is just nasty and then dead. More stupid storyline writing from  and ! I expected much more from Trevorrow who directed the first instalment – oddly he is back on board for the third instalment. 

And don’t get me started on the inclusion of a child in the movie purely for the purpose of including a child into the storyline because the other instalments did. Arrrgggghhhhh – I need to watch JURASSIC PARK again to regain my faith!! OK – I didn’t dislike the cliched additions of Justice Smith and  as storyline sidekicks.

 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Chris Pratt image
Chris Pratt

 

IN CONCLUSION:

Life needs to find a way to bury this franchise in amber for a few hundred thousand years. JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM is the fifth in the franchise and the worst of the bunch, it is an insult to the original JURASSIC PARK and producers better find a miracle to make the final (sixth film) scheduled for a 2021 release, a worthy entry. Cue T-Rex roar of Salty film rage.

 

 

 

YOUR CRITIC:

 owns, writes and edits Salty Popcorn and Spooning Australia. He is a movie, food, restaurant, wine, chocolate, bacon, burger and brussels sprouts addict. He is a member of the Australian Film Critics Association and has been in the  industry for 26yrs. Furthermore he loves watching people trip over and is Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest fan. 

** Images used are courtesy of various sources on Google or direct from the distributor or publisher. Credit has been given to photographers where known – images will be removed on request.