TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION | MOVIE REVIEW

I promised my friend Tommy to be my guest to this film, this guy is seriously obsessed with Michael Bay, ever since I met him he has worshipped Bay. He can pretty much quote every film of Bay’s, I would consider him a Bay expert and he even confided last night there is a Bay St not far from his house. I actually asked him if he dry humps the post when he walks past, he is that obsessed. His words before the film last night “Dude, get excited, it’s going to be nearly three hours of f**king Bayhem!” I was in hysterics, and then immediately social mediad the crap out of that quote. 🙂 We were both squealing at the start of the film but by the end Tommy was still smiling, squealing was gone, and I was alternating between laughing at the pure atrocity we were viewing and groaning that the bloody thing had not ended yet. TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION is out tomorrow Wednesday 25th June at pretty much every cinema in the country. It runs for a time freezing end of days length of 165mins, is being released from Paramount Pictures and is rated M.

 

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TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION | SALTY POPCORN REVIEW | KEEP EARTH HUMAN POSTER

 

REVIEW BY JASON KING

I pretty much loathed this film. I admit, I like Michael Bay films and the Transformers movies have pretty much always been a favourite of mine. Bay has always seen the action of his previous films and gone “fuck it, we need to double the awesome,” so every film squares the action level, and his explosions! A studio says to Bay “we need the tyre to pop as the car goes around that corner'” Bay goes “no worries, we will need the car to explode, and not your normal explosion, you guys got any nukes? what, yes? I will need three” AND THIS IS JUST FOR THE TYRE POPPING.

But one thing I have noticed for the Transformers films, the explosions and level of Bayhem (thanks Tommy) increase exponentially in parallel with the decrease in level of care to anything else. So my favourites in order 1,3,2,4. Yep, this is my worst out of the lot. Why Bay did not stop at the end of the first trilogy, like he promised at the end I will never know, oh yeah, actually I probably do, $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

 

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TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION | SALTY POPCORN REVIEW | CADE YEAGER (MARK WAHLBERG) MOVIE POSTER

 

So this one starts a few years into the future of the universe and post devastation of Chicago, no one you ever knew from the first three films exists anymore, like they really never existed, never get referenced and are not to be considered but do not worry, nearly every single character has been replaced with someone completely different playing the same, or very similar, role. Earth is no longer grateful for what the Autobots did, they are now hunted, with their Decepticon enemies as an enemy of Earth. Autobots are all in hiding and Optimus is badly damaged, a wrecked truck, somehow inside a cinema. Have to mention here – great scene in the cinema with the guy trying to sell it :).

In complete believability here Cade Jeager (Wahlberg) is a collector of old crap, because, not only is he an ace mechanic, he is also a robot inventor who looks like a Calvin Klein model, with a daughter who has the intelligence of an aglet (Google it) but looks like a pubescent Playboy centrefold, what? in a Michael Bay film?

Jeager gets Optimus running and fixed up after a trip to the hardware store and then baddies from the government turn up and threaten to shoot Marky Mark’s Playboy Centrefold in the head unless he tells them where Optimus Prime is. When did we become so evil and unforgiving? Oh yeah humanity!

 

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TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION | SALTY POPCORN REVIEW | SHANE (JACK REYNOR)

 

Just when a bad dude is about to harm the man who helped him, Optimus, the size of a huge bloody truck, explodes from his hiding place and attempts to save his new friends, enter armageddon sized explosions and everyone is on the run, Optimus is a truck again and can’t get to the good peeps so out of nowhere Playboy Centrefold’s (who seriously has some scenes where just her bum and legs frame the shot – you are a dirty man Michael Bay) boyfriend comes flying out of nowhere in his souped up little car, and what do you know, he is a pro driver and is sponsored by Red Bull so everyone can escape with him to then have 5-10mins of a car chase that defies logic and physics 🙂 Am I ranting enough yet?

From here the film just goes out of control and tries to fit in about two or three films and has too many characters, more shallower than the previous one.

OK – there are some moments of humour, Tucci, interactions between Cale and Shane, the over protective father and the cocky boyfriend, Bumblebee (I love you) getting pissed off etc

And I will say this, when Bay does action, he is like a thrusting sex stallion, he seduces and then pounds that cinema screen into submission, seriously, I would be sitting there getting my hate on and then he would be dropping ocean liners out of the sky while Optimus Prime rides a T-Rex that is made from Transformium (or some crap name even more unoriginal than Unobtainium – Avatar) and I would be like, oh yeah buddy, go mad Optimus, even screaming “I love you Bumblebee, take me raw.” I have a small crush on Bumblebee – shhhhh. 🙂

 

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The actors were unnecessary, Wahlberg is fine, does his action cool Wahlberg, the daughter is only in the film as a sex object and is basically useless and only present to titillate. Kelsey Grammar is the bad CIA dude and Stanley Tucci is pretty much your replacement John Tutrturro but a billionaire. The plot is ludicrous beyond belief and so crammed full of shit the best thing you should just do is give up on making sense of it and hang out for the action. I have to mention Jack Reynor, I love the dude, I was afterall the sole person who discovered him in WHAT RICHARD DID (Irish film) and had the film as one of my best films of last year. He has since been discovered by America (I should totally get royalties for this!!). He was in that Delivery Man crap and has a schedule packed full. He is gorgeous and has some great line delivery and good chemistry with Wahlberg but his accent slips into and out of his native Irish so many times I was confused – when they made a point of talking about his Irish heritage I actually thought he had been speaking American up until then (no, not English).

Final whine, Bay’s exploitation of skanks, sorry, lovely ladies made to sexually titillate the male viewers, it started as a huge cinema laugh the first time 19yr old Playboy Centrefold, daughter of CK underwear model robot inventor, had a scene framed through her legs and then eventually Bay just made it a piss take to the audience, a big F.U. I will show whatever I want to make women an object of sexual desire to the point of just being stupid.

Look, I can keep whining about this film all night long. Basic thing is, too long, so much action that it’s incredibly awesome but filled with a plot and moments trying to be tender and stuff that make you want to punch the screen. 3D is ok but unnecessary and I would recommend you go and see HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 for the first, second or third time over this shit. But get excited, it looks like the start of a new trilogy. Yippee.

 

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