Dirty Grandpa Should be Burned with Fire

Robert DeNiro; one of the greatest actors of the current living starring in roles such as TAXI DRIVER, THE GODFATHER 2, RAGING BULL, THE DEER HUNTER, BACKDRAFT, GOODFELLAS, HEAT, CASINO and on and on all the way to last year’s also much loved THE INTERN has in one movie undone all the respect I have ever had for him. Over the last years it appears the old dude will do anything with a pay cheque, anything to keep him from ageing and falling off the radar and into a retirement home of use by date actors. But when you have seen Robert DeNiro masturbating at age 73 and wanting to do nothing but fuck fuck fuck college chicks you can get fucked! DIRTY GRANDPA is out now from the peeps at Entertainment One Australia, it is rated MA15+ and runs about 102mins too long.

 

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BY JASON KING

This abomination is about seventy two year old Dirty Grandpa aka Dick Kelly, an old guy whose wife has just died, he has been faithful for forty years to the love of his life who is now gone and wanted him to live his life to the fullest when she departed, for the last fifteen years he has not had sex while cancer destroyed his wife. Now she has died, less than a day after the funeral he wants to “fuck fuck fuck.” He sees his grandson, a preppy upstart who has been controlled by his dad into a life of Stepford where he will be a lawyer, marry another lawyer, wear slacks and button downs and basically live life with a carrot up his ass and no joy.

Grandpa needs to get to somewhere else across the US and so ten days out from Jason Kelly (Zac Efron)’s wedding grandpa convinces the straight-laced commercial lawyer to drive him.

This you are shown in the first four minutes of DIRTY GRANDPA, in the fifth minute Jason turns up to pick up grandpa and finds grandpa naked and tossing off to porn and in the cinema the words out of my mouth were “are you fucking kidding me.” That was when I lost all respect in DeNiro and decided the director, the ridiculous fucktard Dan Mazer of Borat, Brüno and the Ali G show needs to be put to pasture in a shallow grave of acid.

 

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I also decided that Zac Efron needs to get off whatever crack he is smoking offset and start taking his life seriously or he will become that character of his in BAD NEIGHBOURS who is left with nothing but an ageing body, ok it is still a freaking amazing body, but at one stage he was considered a great promise of acting and now he just wants to do college movies and follow a career path of Rodney Dangerfield. His agent needs to be fired and he needs to go back to what he once did and ask for career advice off Leonardo DiCaprio, sure he had some failures where he tried at serious acting and now all his roles are decided by the numbers – I say fuck that – act for acting sake to improve your craft and not for box office returns, they will come when your roles are good – but enough of this college shit!

Can you tell I am slightly angered by DIRTY GRANDPA?

 

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It is actually not all hideous, the chemistry between Efron and Old Masturbator is actually incredible and the two of them should do movies together but maybe something with substance as opposed to this teenage cum humour toilet trash. There are also a few scenes I laughed a lot in. Mostly from three side characters that are just brilliant. Lenore, Tan Pam and Cousin Nick are bit players in the movie with some incredibly crass humour and perfect comic timing and it doesn’t offend me seeing them going way overboard with crassness and humour, they are comedians. Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation) as Lenore is a college girl who wants to do nothing more than “fuck a professor,” Grandpa pretends he is a professor so it is win win. Her incredibly forward lines to DeNiro are sooooooooooooo offensive but I loved them. Likewise with Jason Mantzoukas (also from Parks and Recreation) as Tan Pam the local beach store owner who is really a drug dealer on an epic scale who has the best relationship with police of all time – his scenes and lines made me lol – “I will be selling beach towels at $50- a gram (wink wink) and I will also be selling meth.”

Then there is Cousin Nick, Andy Pally (The Mindy Project), as the over the top rebellious rebel in the family of lawyers who is basically on drugs the entire time and is a mild Charlie Day clone – he also had some fun scenes.

 

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Regardless of the sometimes humorous moments the rest of DIRTY GRANDPA is pure Dan Mazer shit, it has the humour of Borat and the rest of the Ali G movies and may appeal to teenagers who are stoned off their brains but the disrespect of DeNiro in having this movie onscreen will hold my hatred for years to come. Besides the fact it makes crack, meth and every other drug a much loved and something to be proud of item to ingest, I just shake my head and start feeling like an old codger myself – back in my day this would never have happened.

The best thing you can do to this movie is burn it with fire and rock back and forward on the floor mumbling the mantra “it never ever happened.” It gets half a point for the chemistry between the two leads, half a point for my new love for Aubrey Plaza and half a point for Zac’s absolutely perfect butt.

 

1 and a Half Pops

 

 

 is the owner and editor of Salty Popcorn and Spooning Australia. He is a movie, food, restaurant, wine, chocolate, bacon, burger and brussels sprouts addict. He is a member of the Australian Film Critics Association and has been in the Australian movie industry for 25yrs. He loves watching people trip over and is Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest fan. All the social media links to the right and up will allow you to abuse, troll or stalk him :).

** All images courtesy of various sources on Google or direct from the publisher – credit has been given to photographers where known – images will be removed on request.